A very exciting story, Jessica. I particularly like the extra little details you have added and the lists which suggest how much there was to see. You could try to vary your sentence structures a bit more as this can create different effects on your reader. Try starting sentences in different ways, like with verbs or prepositions, and aim to vary the lengths of sentences too. I enjoyed your work – keep it up.
A very exciting story, Jessica. I particularly like the extra little details you have added and the lists which suggest how much there was to see. You could try to vary your sentence structures a bit more as this can create different effects on your reader. Try starting sentences in different ways, like with verbs or prepositions, and aim to vary the lengths of sentences too. I enjoyed your work – keep it up.